Differences in desire are one of the most common experiences couples face. And yet they are often misunderstood or minimized. Desire includes sexual intimacy, emotional closeness, quality time, affection, communication, and shared goals. When a partner notices they want different things, it can create confusion, self-doubt, or tension. However, having different desires does not mean something is wrong with the relationship. But it means two unique individuals are trying to stay connected. Similar to humans needing water, food, and sleep to survive. The same argument can be made about sex! As humans, touch is a vital part of survival and connection (Ma, 2017).
What Is Desire?
Desire is the internal experience of wanting, longing, or needing something (Vowels & Mark, 2020). In relationships, desire can be physical, emotional, relational, or practical. It is influenced by many factors, including past experiences, attachment, mental health, stress levels, physical health (hormones), culture, society beliefs, and life circumstances. Desire is not static, it shifts over time! What someone desires during one phase of their life, may look very different in another phase. Recognizing desire as fluid rather than fixed, helps reduce blame and unrealistic expectations within relationships.
Desire Is Not One-Size-Fits-All
Every person experiences and expresses desire differently (Vowels & Mark, 2020). One partner may feel most connected through physical intimacy, while the other partner may prioritize emotional conversations or quality time. Neither is right or wrong, they are simply just different. Problems often arise when couples expect their partner to desire things in the same way they do. When differences are seen as deficiency, misunderstanding and resentment can develop. When differences are acknowledged as normal, couples can begin to approach one another with curiosity and compassion.
Difference Does Not Mean Dysfunction
It is easy to assume that mismatched desire means incompatibility or failure. In reality, differences are a natural part of being in a relationship. Two nervous systems, two histories, and two emotional worlds are constantly interacting. Approximately 10-50% of men and 25-60% of women have reported some kind of sexual dysfunction throughout their lifetime (Ma, 2017). Sexual dysfunctions can be diagnosed at any age, but becomes increasingly more common with clients over 40 years old (Cleveland Clinic, 2024). Dysfunction commonly looks like pain during intercourse, inability to maintain arousal, or the inability to orgasm in women and men (Cleveland Clinic, 2024). Distress is usually created based on the meaning attached to the
difference in desire. One partner may interpret less desire as rejection, while the other may feel pressure or inadequate. Without open conversation, these interpretations can silently erode emotional safety.
What To Do If Desire Does Not Align
When desire does not align, the goal is not to “fix” one partner or force sameness. Instead, focusing the shifts to understanding what each partner needs and why (Vowels & Mark, 2020). This involves slowing down, listening, and acknowledging each person’s experiences as valid. Rather than asking, “Who is right?”, couples would benefit more from asking, “What’s happening for each of us?”. This mindset creates space for problem-solving, compromise, and emotional connection.
From Judgement to Curiosity
Judgement ultimately shuts down conversations. Whereas, curiosity opens up the conversation. When couples approach differences with curiosity, they move away from blame and toward understanding. Curiosity could sound like:
“Help me understand what this feels like for you”
“What do you need right now?”
“What makes this hard for you?”
Having this shift can transform conflict into an opportunity for connection and emotional intimacy.
Creating safety
Desire thrives in emotional safety. When partners feel criticized, pressured, or misunderstood, desire often decreases. Creating safety means validating each other’s feelings, using respectful language, and recognizing that both partner’s needs matter. Safety is built when couples can talk about difficult topics without fear of rejection or conflict escalation. Over time, this safety allows desire (in all forms) to ebb and flow naturally.
How Couples Can Meet In The Middle
Meeting in the middle does not mean equal desire at all times. It means flexibility, creativity, and willingness to consider each other’s experiences. Sometimes this looks like compromise, other times it looks like acceptance. Couples who navigate desire differences successfully understand that connection is not about perfection, but about responsiveness. By staying open, communicating regularly, and adjusting as life changes, couples can grow stronger!
If differences in desire are creating tension or distance within your relationship, you do not have to navigate it alone. Couples and intimacy therapy can offer a safe space to explore these differences, strengthen communication, and rebuild connection. If you’re ready to explore desire within your relationship at our clinic, Journey Psychology – we invite you to book your complimentary 15-minute consultation with one of our couples and/or intimacy therapists.
References
Cleveland Clinic (2024). Sexual Dysfunction.
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9121-sexual-dysfunction
Ma, L. (March 16, 2017). Sensate Focus in Sex Therapy: The Illustrated Manual. Psychology Today.
Vowels, L. M., & Mark, K. P. (2020). Strategies for mitigating sexual desire discrepancy in relationships. National Library of Medicine, 49(3), 1017-1028.