Have you ever found yourself wondering, “What do I actually want?” or “Am I living the life I want to be living?” Sometimes, we become so focused on what we should do, what other people expect from us, or what we think we need to accomplish that we lose sight of what is actually meaningful to us. You may feel like you are doing everything you are “supposed” to do, yet still feel unfulfilled or unsure about what you really want. Perhaps you are struggling with an important decision, questioning whether you are on the right path, or sensing that something needs to change but are not sure where to begin.
These experiences can be an opportunity to explore your personal values. Values-based living involves making choices and taking actions that reflect the qualities and principles that matter most to you. Understanding your values can help you make more intentional decisions, set meaningful goals, and develop a greater sense of purpose and direction.
What Are Personal Values?
Psychologist and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) author Russ Harris describes values as “desired qualities of action”—in other words, how you want to behave and how you want to treat yourself, other people, and the world around you. Unlike goals, values are not necessarily things you complete or check off a list. Instead, they provide direction for how you want to live.
For example, someone might value:
- Honesty
- Compassion
- Family
- Connection
- Creativity
- Learning
- Independence
- Kindness
- Courage
- Health and well-being
- Personal growth
There is no universal list of “correct” values. Your values are personal and can be influenced by your experiences, relationships, culture, interests, and circumstances.
Values can also apply to different areas of your life, including your relationships, career, education, health, personal growth, recreation, and community.
How Do You Identify Your Personal Values?
Identifying your values does not have to happen all at once. For many people, it is an ongoing process of reflection and discovery.
Start by asking yourself questions such as:
- What relationships are most important to me?
- What kind of person do I want to be?
- How do I want to treat the people around me?
- What matters to me about my work?
- What qualities do I admire in other people?
- What would I like to make more time for?
- What do I want my life to stand for?
It can also be helpful to look at how you are currently spending your time and energy.
For example, you might identify family connection as an important value but notice that work consistently takes up most of your time. This does not mean you are doing something wrong.
Instead, it creates an opportunity to ask: “Is there something I could change that would help me live more consistently with this value?”
Values-based living is not about judging yourself for the ways you may have fallen out of alignment. It is about becoming more aware of your choices and deciding where you would like to go from here.
Why Can It Be Difficult to Identify Your Values?
Although identifying your values may sound simple, it can be surprisingly difficult.
Sometimes, we confuse our own values with what we have been taught we should value. Family expectations, cultural messages, relationships, school, work, and society can all influence our ideas about what a “successful” or “good” life should look like. You may have spent years believing that career success should be your highest priority because that is what you were taught. Yet, when you reflect on what actually brings you meaning, you may realize that connection, creativity, flexibility, or family are more important to you. It can also be difficult to identify your values when you are experiencing anxiety, self-criticism, perfectionism, burnout, or major life changes.
Sometimes, the question is not simply:
“What do I value?”
It may also be:
“What do I value underneath everything I think I am supposed to want?”
Therapy can provide a supportive environment for exploring these questions without judgment.
Signs You May Be Living Out of Alignment With Your Values
Everyone experiences periods when their actions do not perfectly reflect their values. However, it may be helpful to explore your values if you frequently:
- Say yes when you actually want to say no
- Feel like you are living according to other people’s expectations
- Feel successful “on paper” but still feel unfulfilled
- Have difficulty making decisions because you are unsure what you want
- Feel disconnected from relationships, work, or activities that once felt meaningful
- Spend much of your time avoiding discomfort rather than moving toward what matters
- Feel like you are constantly meeting responsibilities but rarely making time for yourself
- Find yourself repeatedly wondering whether you are on the “right” path
These experiences may be signals that it is worth considering whether your current actions and priorities reflect what matters most to you.
A Simple Exercise to Explore Your Values
If you are not sure where to begin, choose one area of your life, such as relationships, work, health, family, or personal growth.
Then ask yourself:
- What matters to me in this area? Try to look beyond specific achievements and think about the qualities that are important to you.
- What kind of person do I want to be in this area? For example, if relationships are important to you, perhaps you want to be supportive, honest, compassionate, or present.
- How am I currently showing up? Consider where your behaviour already reflects your values and where there may be a gap.
- What is one small action I could take? If you value connection, perhaps you could call someone you care about. If you value health, you might make time for an activity that supports your well-being. If you value learning, you might spend some time developing a new skill.
Values-based living does not require dramatic life changes. Small, intentional actions can be meaningful steps toward the life you want.
Values vs. Goals: What Is the Difference?
- Values and goals are closely connected, but they are not the same.
- Values describe the direction you want to move in, while goals describe specific outcomes you want to achieve.
- For example, imagine that connection is an important value.
- A goal related to that value might be: “I want to have dinner with my family once a week.”
Once you accomplish that goal, it is complete. Your value of connection, however, can continue to guide your choices and actions. Your values and priorities can also change throughout your life. Relationships, career changes, parenthood, loss, personal growth, and new experiences can all influence what matters to you.
Values-based living is not about perfectly following your values at all times. Instead, it is about becoming more aware of what matters to you and making intentional choices when you are able to.
How Can Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) Help?
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a form of psychotherapy that incorporates acceptance, mindfulness, values, and behavioural strategies to help individuals develop greater psychological flexibility. An important part of ACT involves identifying what matters to you and learning how to take meaningful action in that direction—even when difficult thoughts or emotions are present.
For example, you may experience anxiety about making a change in your life. Rather than waiting until the anxiety completely disappears, ACT may encourage you to acknowledge that anxiety while asking:
“What matters to me, and what action can I take even though I feel anxious?”
In therapy, you may explore questions such as:
- What matters most to me?
- What kind of person do I want to be?
- What gets in the way of living according to my values?
- Am I making decisions based on what matters to me or primarily trying to avoid discomfort?
- What small action could move me toward the life I want?
ACT is not about forcing yourself to be uncomfortable. Rather, it can help you develop a different relationship with difficult thoughts and emotions while making choices that are meaningful to you.
When Might Values-Based Therapy Be Helpful?
Exploring your values may be particularly helpful if you feel:
- Stuck or uncertain about an important decision
- Disconnected from what matters to you
- Overwhelmed by competing responsibilities
- Like you are living according to other people’s expectations
- Unsure what direction you want your life to take
- Like you know what you want to change but cannot seem to take action
You do not need to have a specific diagnosis or be experiencing a major life crisis to explore your values in therapy. Sometimes, therapy can simply provide a space to slow down, reflect, and better understand yourself.
Values-Based Therapy in Sherwood Park and Edmonton
If you are struggling to identify what matters to you or feel uncertain about the direction you want your life to take, working with a psychologist or therapist can provide a supportive space to explore these questions. At Journey Psychology, our team provides counselling and psychological services in Sherwood Park and the Edmonton area. Our therapists use evidence-informed approaches, including Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), to help individuals better understand their thoughts, emotions, behaviours, and values.
Therapy is not about telling you what your values should be or making decisions for you. Instead, it can help you explore what matters to you, understand what may be getting in the way, and identify practical steps that feel authentic to your goals and circumstances.
Values-based living does not require you to have everything figured out. Sometimes, it begins with one simple question: “What is one small action I can take that reflects what matters to me?”
If you are feeling stuck, uncertain, or disconnected from what matters to you, our team at Journey Psychology is here to support you. Consider booking a complimentary 15-minute consultation with one of our team members to learn more about therapy in Sherwood Park and find a therapist who may be a good fit for you.
